Friday, April 20, 2007

The View = G-Unit

A recent spin of the new Young Buck album got me thinking about the downfall of G Unit. Then, while I was thinking about that, my wife Jen was watching The View. Then it dawned on me. G Unit and The View are virtually the same. Hear me out ...

Rosie O'Donnell is 50 Cent. They are both larger than life (literally and figuratively, although 50's literal largeness is of the more desirable variety), opinionated, wildly popular yet also hated by many, and, of course, they are both totally crazy. They also highjack group projects to engage in individual rants and feuds. Rosie steals huge chunks of time on The View to spout her Google Education philosophies about the war or politics or whatever comes into her brain, and she used the show as a vehicle to war with Donald Trump. 50 does the same thing on pretty much every G-Unit album. They both have redeeming qualities (Rosie is actually a very good parent, Jen tells me, while 50 has an unbelievable work ethic), have had mixed success with their pop culture endeavors, and I'm pretty sure Larry David would be friends with both of them (since various episodes of Curb Your Enthusiasm tell us that he is loved by lesbians and also that fictional rapper Crazy Eye Killa - had to be based at least in part on 50 - is "his caucasian").

Barbara Walters is Eminem. Both are way past their primes and the change happened overnight. One minute they were relevant and among the best at their respective professions, the next they were total has-beens. Eminem suddenly started making farting noises in all his songs and recycling the same beat over and over, while Walters got her 19th face lift and began mumbling on the air. The View is Walters' pet project, much like G-Unit was Eminem's first major group signed to Shady Records. Rosie is making Walters a lot of money and improving ratings, but bringing great embarrassment along with it and pissing her off with philosophical differences. Likewise, 50 made Eminem loads of cash, but has embroiled him in countless annoying feuds in the process.

Joy Behar is Lloyd Banks. Not much substance, just a bunch of witty punchlines. Totally willing to play the second banana role at all times. Also, both seems to like the color blue. Okay, I made that last one up.

Elizabeth Hasselbeck is Young Buck. Elizabeth is the lone conservative and also the only supporting member of The View to have random pop culture fame before the show (Survivor). Young Buck is the lone southern member of G-Unit and made a name for himself as a part of Cash Money before hooking up with 50. They also both have former names. Elizabeth used to be Elizabeth Filarski and Young Buck was David Brown before obeying the well-known rule in rap that says you can never, under any circumstances, use your real name as your rap name. (Making Kanye West's successful career even more surprising. It also surprising in light of the fact that he is TOTALLY INSANE.)

Star Jones is The Game. Both got kicked out of the group and both seem to be doing better on their own, against all odds. They are also equally fond of name-dropping, wearing expensive jewelry, and getting involved in legal disputes (although Jones does it as a lawyer and the Game as a defendant). Once Tracy Morgan impersonates The Game to great comedic effect, this pairing will be bulletproof.

Every guest host is Tony Yayo. The filler person just occupying space.

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